How to Get your Identity Back After Becoming a Mom

I became a wife. Then a mom. And then, in the blink of an eye, I totally forgot about the girl I was before.

Hobbies? I had none. Friends? Barely any. Happy with my life? Not at all.

Because I stayed home with my kids for 4 years, my whole identity got taken over by being a mom. I truly forgot about myself. I gained weight, drank excessively, was massively depressed, but had no idea how to pull myself together.

It was like the kids took all of my energy and I had no energy left to focus on myself.

I got so lonely, so low, so down on myself, that I had no idea how to get back to the girl I once was.

I did little things over the years: I started working out and lost my “baby weight“, then I got a part time job, then I decided to start focusing more on friendships. All of those things helped put me back together.

I have talked a lot about my journey to antidepressants and I can’t stress enough how crucial this was for me in finding my way back to becoming myself again. I would not be where I am today without them.

It’s hard to say what the exact turning point was for me that made me decide it was time to change. 2017-2022 were all really tough years for me, so I decided in December of 2022 that I was done being unhappy. That this was no longer “baby blues” that I was feeling. Something more was going on.

It wasn’t overnight. And it wasn’t easy.

I started reading self help books, listening to podcasts, and journaling. Once I started focusing on filling up my own cup and spending my time doing things that truly brought me joy and made me feel like I was becoming a better person, only then did things started to shift.

I also stopped drinking every night. And started taking my Zoloft daily. And putting more energy into the relationships in my life.

The saying “it’s not one thing, it’s a million little things” rang so true for me.

One thing isn’t going to make me happy. It requires feeling happiness in the mundane tasks of my day.


It is choosing to look at things in a “glass half full” perspective. Instead of doing household chores and things with the kids and thinking “Ugh, I have to do this”, I have rearranged my thoughts to “I am so blessed I am able to have the opportunity to do this”.

Most moms work full time. Or they stay home full time. Honestly, how lucky am I that I get to experience a little bit of both working part time? I took that for granted for too long.

My advice on how to find your identity after becoming a mom is this: Remind yourself DAILY that you are a person too. Yes, you are a mom, maybe a wife, but also a friend, sister, daughter, cousin, and so many other things that define you. Being a mom is my #1 title in life. But it is not my only title. And in order for me to be the best mom I can, I have to put my own happiness first.

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